No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
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Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.