Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
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is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
this makes me so uncomfortable
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving