You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
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Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!