Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
We cut our bangs at dawn.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.