Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
sliding into dms like
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks