Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I didn’t realize that was an option
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?