People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.