BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron