Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
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tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.