Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first