My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
He-man has a Masters degree
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Inside you there are two wolves
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad