Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
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Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.