You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
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H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Twitter remains undefeated
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting