HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out