[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Selfie
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>