The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Birds & Planes.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!