I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT