Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
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1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
found my next D&D character name