Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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Eat…
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
It’s the weekend y’all
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
same bro
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures