Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
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It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Said the murderer.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Good morning, Twitter x
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science