[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
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Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”