I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
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Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Breaking news:
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.