[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
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Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably