@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
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“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”