“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow