Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.