What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy