Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
What is going on? 😅
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you