If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
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Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.