The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
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I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
😬
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.