Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.