I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
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people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions