She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The news in a nutshell.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
This will never not be funny to me.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁