I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
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[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
rapatouille
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.