Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.