*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
How do you milk an almond?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.