When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
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My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
@ candidates for local office
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night