Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Europe. Made in Germany.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.