Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
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If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Dolls on drugs
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Sheep
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}