I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.