Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine