You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
You Might Also Like
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
This why you should mind your business
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.