hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.