My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
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be careful
Twitter remains undefeated
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Lmao the reply
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist