Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me