Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
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“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
What the hell happened in there??
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
asking santa clause for nudes