person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
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[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Botany good plants lately?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?