If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
You Might Also Like
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Growing out my freckles.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.