Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.