Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
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A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
#growingpains
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Best spot.. 😅
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.